The “Dump Months” are typically the months when Hollywood lowers commercial and critical expectations for most new releases. Audiences are smaller, the so called Christmas blockbusters are out so this is the time of year you get the movies that in screen testing didn’t fare so well. Although with the crap they release these days it’s kind of hard to distinguish this time of the year from any other. I digress. I look at January thru March as “Dump Months”. I was reading an article in The Washington Post the other day and it had the definitive rankings of the months of the year ranked by Americans and sure enough there they were. #10 March, #11 January, #12 February. I was born in March so that alone should bring up that months ranking but even with that amazing event taking place it still ranks near the bottom.
I have my rankings which are the only one that counts. I have January as the worst Month by far. Christmas is over, the weather always sucks as we have witnessed so far in 2020. Which is another reason January ranks #1. Every year we are reminded that we are starting another year and if we do happen to stay up to usher in the new year we have to witness either Ryan Seacrest or someone on CNN getting plastered. Technically that would mostly be in December but it ends in January so it is January. January is dark when you get up and it’s dark when you leave. January is the month where if you have to put a date something it takes you the whole damn month to quit writing the previous year on everything. Bummer. To sum it up January is the month you are fat, broke, paler than ever and this year you need a boat to get out of your house. The whole month of January is like a Monday except longer.
February or as it should be known, January Part II. The only reason it ranks ahead of January is there are fewer days. Although barely. The fact that we have to deal with Valentine’s Day is enough to drop it to the bottom. Don’t even get me started on that. A bloviation for another day. The holidays in February are even lame. We used to have Washington and Lincoln’s birthday celebration for two of our greatest Presidents. Now we have Presidents Day. So we now celebrate Martin Van Buren and Millard Fillmore. Really February? February is also racist. “Black History Month” and it’s the shortest month of the year. Here, you can have February. It’s not but 28 days but we will give you a extra day every four years. What does that tell you. Here is a middle finger to you. Feburary, Febaury, February is also the hardest month to spell. The only good thing about February is pitchers and catchers report.
March, March, March. Comes in like a lion out like a lamb. March is the puberty of seasons. The new year is transitioning from a darkness, ice snow into an explosion of green and flowers but near the end it tricks us. March lures us into thinking that spring is here then BOOM…….snow and ice. March is such a liar. Perhaps this is a necessary part of transformation, but like puberty, it sure bites. March is the only month with a day that’s universally famous for dire warnings? Beware, beware, the ides of March are upon us. Then there is St Patty’s Day. That is the best March can do for a holiday. People running around with plastic hats and green beads drinking green beer. March is like a month of Tuesdays which is like second Monday’s, except the 13th. Even the greatness of “March Madness” cannot salvage March.
So let’s enjoy these next three months all the while looking ahead to spring with Robins singing, planting tomatoes, warmer temperatures, blooming flowers,The Masters and baseball. Enjoy it boys and girls because lurking are the devilish months of July, August, September, months I can really bitch and moan about.