This Is Coleslaw?

I am picky when it comes to my coleslaw. I am a coleslaw snob. I admit it. Anytime I go to a meat and three, coleslaw will be one of the three veggies I order. A good coleslaw dictates the rest of the meal. I truly get upset and lose my mind saying words that I shouldn’t say and on more than one occasion have threatened to leave the eating establishment if the coleslaw sucks. Meanwhile Rebecca just looks at me like I have three heads and wonders who is the moron that wandered in and sat down with her at her table. If you can screw up coleslaw what does that say about the rest of your culinary skills!!!!!!!! Coleslaw is really easy to make. Listen up!!!!! Cabbage, DUKE’S mayo, vinegar, onion and sugar. Bingo, bongo. Nothing to it. BASIC COLESLAW 101. There are fast food joints, restaurants that I refuse to go to simply because of bad coleslaw. Right off I can think of one that clearly comes to mind. I am one that puts the coleslaw on my hotdogs with chili, onion and mustard. That is the way I have always eaten a hotdog. Don’t even get me started on those that put ketchup on hotdogs but I digress. There’s a hotdog joint in the Greenville, Spartanburg, Anderson area that is well known for their dawgs. They have many restaurants and they make a mighty fine dawg, I guess. So I ordered a couple the way I like them. I should have been suspicious when I saw this bright green looking mush that passed for coleslaw sitting on my dawg. (In case you don’t know cabbage isn’t bright green and should never be put in a tub.) It should have been a dead giveaway when as soon as I picked it up and steered it close to my mouth that something was amiss. I should have heeded the warning that my big nose gave me as it got closer to my mouth. I didn’t and then it was painfully obvious when the dawg hit the taste buds……that was a hideous concoction of flavors that my taste buds had never experienced. I took one bite and projectile spewed it out of my mouth. One lady walked up to me thinking someone had performed the Heimlich reminding me how easy it was to get choked on a hot dog and they were glad I was ok. I think I had some sort of foul coleslaw seizure. I have apologized before to my ex friend Sam and will do again in print but I did not spit it out on purpose and I’m glad and did not blame you for being upset, especially when a big glob of it went down your shirt. I told you that it was nasty. Although the bruise on the forehead was pretty still funny. I can’t understand how this place even stays in business. They sell this stuff and even more unbelievable people actually eat it.

I’m such a coleslaw snob if I get chicken from KFC, Popeye’s, Bojangles’ I’ll get home and make my own and endure the wrath of Rebecca constantly nagging at me for messing up the kitchen when she says the coleslaw that we didn’t get was good enough. Say whaaat? I married you, why? It’s worth the abuse. I know coleslaw is a very divisive dish. You either love it or hate it. The interesting thing about those who of us who love coleslaw is that they tend to love one specific version of it. So it can still be a divisive topic — even among us coleslaw devotees. The main thing is when you make coleslaw no matter which recipe you choose because they are all good but remember when you make it, serve it, serve it as I do and that’s with a king size hunk of love……

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