I Resolve Not To Resolve

Here’s to pretending that anything changes when the new year does.

Every December 31st I jot things down on what I can do to improve myself. Every January 1st, thirty minutes after I get out of the bed I fail. The one thing all my life I have succeeded is busting my New Year’s resolutions in record time. My promises that I have made are gone. The new me is doomed to disappear into a witness protection program, never to be seen or heard from again. I eat no less, exercise no more, and remain every inch the same lowly specimen as before.

“May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early!” – Aleister Crowley, “Moonchild

2023 is going to be different. Enough of the folly and futility for me. The torture I have to endure twenty minutes into the new year of being a failure……..no more. No more resolutions that I know that I will shatter to smithereens.

I am going to use a different approach this year. I will snuff aspirations in 2023. The aspirations I have of being an Adonis. I’ve always wanted to be this Hercules. a body-fat below zero. I daydreamed about getting ripped, shredded and jacked. Admiring beachgoers would do violent double-takes and eventually sue me for first-degree whiplash. Just never was crazy about the hours it would take to get there. Aspirations be gone. 2023. This is going to be a great year.

The aspirations I have to be a better person and get closer to my spiritual power. I get pretty frustrated with what passes as Christianity these days and maybe I need to try something else. Meditation. Yeah that will work. I would go full-tilt Tibetan. I could empty what is left of my mind you know the few remaining contents that I have so that Rebecca could decide to rent out the now-vacant space as a self-storage unit. Maybe I would even finally understand why I bother to keep making these resolutions in the first place. This will never happen. Aspiration be snuffed.

“Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man.” – Benjamin Franklin

The aspirations I have of sleepless nights. In this idiotic scenario, I would stay in swaddled slumber with my weighted blanked without waking up even once much less the usual twice an hour. I would break my lifelong habit of suddenly remembering in the middle of the night all the anguishing details about my life, the failed resolutions that I’m infinitely better off forgetting. I would be able to sleep more than Arlo. The most refreshing sleep in animal history. I would dream only the sweetest dreams, many, as it happens, involving my soon-to-be perfect physique. Yeah ain’t gonna happen.

I have aspirations of dropping weight. Actually I have dropped 14 lbs due to calorie restriction as I like to call it. Intermittent fasting works for me but I want to take it a step further. Maybe I will start boiling everything and if that fails I just cut out anything remotely edible. I have great aspirations on this weight loss thing but like all the other aspirations this is as much of a possibility as me growing a full head of hair on my head.

What I do hope and pray is that I make it one more year. The older I get the more I realize that life is precious and the things that we concern ourselves with don’t really mean anything in the grand scheme of things. With joy and optimism, look to the year ahead. Wishing for good things each and every day. Finally make 2023 be as glamorous as you make it appear on Instagram and Facebook. Peace.

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